Sunday, March 27, 2011

On a Black Horse

MJ: Something’s supposed to happen in 2012. I think the world’s supposed to end. Anyways, I went to the grocery store and stocked up on some canned beans.
CJ: Sure, that makes sense. “Oh, no! It’s the Apocalypse. But don’t worry; we have beans!”

J: Well, if the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse show up on your doorstep, you can serve them canned beans for dinner. Of course, Famine will be like "No thanks, I'll pass."

Friday, November 05, 2010

(It's a Good Humor Bar)

M: Here, try this new fruit bar. It's fig. I got it at Trader Joe's.
C: "A Fig Walked into a Bar"... Haha! That's a great name!
M: That's right. But I don't get it. Where's the rest of the joke?
C: No, "a fig walked into a bar" is the joke....
M: Huh? What happened after the fig walked into the bar?

Thursday, October 28, 2010


Mom: I mailed you something. Have you gotten it yet?
Me: No. What did you send me?
Mom: It's a catalog. I want to order something from it, but I think my computer has a virus, so I don't want to place online orders.
Me: So. You mailed me the catalog?
Mom: Yes. I circled the item that I want. Can you go on the website and order it for me?
Me: ....
Me: ....
Me: You mailed me a catalog. Because you're afraid to shop online.
Mom: Yes.
Me: It's a mail order catalog.
Mom: Yes.
Me: Why didn't you simply place your order through the mail?
Mom: Oh. I didn't think of that. That would have made more sense, wouldn't it?
Me: Yes. Well, I'll keep an eye out for the envelope, and I'll place the order when I receive it.
Mom: Thanks. (pause) Hey, you know what? I could have called the toll-free number and phoned in my order! That would been a good idea!
Me: Yesss....

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

It's Pronounced "Satin"

Artwork by WSJ

Monday, July 02, 2007

Wocka Wocka Wocka

J: My computer doesn't have the software I need. D'ya think Dmitriy would mind if I hopped onto his for a couple minutes?
T: Nah. He's out today. But you'll have to talk with a funny accent if you want to sit in his chair.
J: Vhy? Vat is wronk vit my vay of talkink?
T: Perfect. You sound like the Count from Sesame Street. (pause) Hey, do you remember that primetime show with those muppets?
J: Yeess?
T: What was it called?
J: Um..The Muppet Show?
T: Oh. Yeah.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Don't Put Up With His Sheet

Guy #1: Hey, I found the perfect sheets for you!
Guy #2: (glances at the package of multi-colored fabric in abstract patterns and rolls his eyes)
Guy #1: Your boyfriend would love them.
Guy #2: (looks skeptical)
Guy #1: They're rainbow-colored. They're perfect. I mean, you people are all about those rainbow colors, right?
Guy #2:
Guy #1: Yeah, your boyfriend would love to sleep on these rainbow-colored sheets.
Guy #2: So. Is your bed a queen...just like you?

Friday, March 02, 2007

APWA Std. Dwg 220-2

H: What's a sewer chimney?
J: Huh?
H: I'm going through the bond estimate worksheet for Riverside County. There's an item for "chimney".
C: It's that thing that sticks up in the air -
J: - and it lets the hot air out -
C: - and Santa Clause slides down it!
H: Hee hee. Nooooo.
J: You said it's on the sewer estimate sheet?
H: Uh huh.
J: Well, then obviously it's for the ash-hole.