HermaphroDoor

C: Did you hear the doorbell? The door's got a 'ding-dong'!
S: Got knockers, too....

Getting Ready for Halloween

J: Don't you think it's strange that a cat gives birth to a litter, but then takes a dump in a litterbox?
K: Okaaanyway...

Irony

Excerpt from an email to B (or not to B?):

J:...so we met up for dinner, and B brought along a box of goodies for me. There was a plant, a lovely tea set from Korea, and some perfume.
F: Perfume?
J: It was one that her ex got her, so she feels odd about wearing it.
F: Well, I've got that bottle of cologne that K gave me after the divorce. It had been his wife's favorite.
J: It's hard keeping that stuff around; there are always weird associations with the ex. Sure, B thought it smelled good, but she primarily wore it for him.
F: So, what's the perfume called?
J: Escape.

Last Day

T: I can't believe this is your last week working here.
J: Me neither. It hasn't sunk in yet.
T: We're going to miss you!
J: Well, if you think you'll be sad to see me leave on Friday, just wait until the day after. Cuz that'll be Sadderday.

Silver Bells and Cockle Shells

*ring ring*

J: Hello?
F: Hey! Oh, you're still at work, right?
J: Yup. 'Fraid so.
F: Sorry to interrupt.
J: Not at all. Always glad to hear from you. Warms the cockles of my heart.
F: Bet you don't know where your cockles are.
J: Uh, sure I do. They're, like, inside. Somewhere. Hang on, I'll check the dictionary.
J: Cockles: 'a common edible European mollusk.' Wrong cockle. Ah yes, here we go. 'Idiom: one's innermost feelings.'
F: But I thought that cockles were an actual part of the heart. You know, ventricles or something.
J: Naw, it says right here that the phrase is idiomatic. Here's another one: 'European bivalve having a rounded shell with radiating ribs'. So, what we have here is a European heart. With valves! Two of them!
F: And 'radiating ribs'?
J: Well, there are ribs 'round the heart. But these are more like 'ribbed for her pleasure'.
F: And if someone else warms the cockles of my wife's heart, then I've been 'cockled-ed'!
J: Okay, the heart is a muscle. And a mollusk - that's kind of a mussel!
F: Uh-huh.
J: Wait, let me check this other link. Um. 'The English phrase cockles of my heart refers to the ventricles of the heart.'
F: Hah!
J: Oh, fine. You win.