On a Black Horse

MJ: Something’s supposed to happen in 2012. I think the world’s supposed to end. Anyways, I went to the grocery store and stocked up on some canned beans.
CJ: Sure, that makes sense. “Oh, no! It’s the Apocalypse. But don’t worry; we have beans!”

J: Well, if the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse show up on your doorstep, you can serve them canned beans for dinner. Of course, Famine will be like "No thanks, I'll pass."

(It's a Good Humor Bar)

M: Here, try this new fruit bar. It's fig. I got it at Trader Joe's.
C: "A Fig Walked into a Bar"... Haha! That's a great name!
M: That's right. But I don't get it. Where's the rest of the joke?
C: No, "a fig walked into a bar" is the joke....
M: Huh? What happened after the fig walked into the bar?

Cata-logging

Mom: I mailed you something. Have you gotten it yet?
Me: No. What did you send me?
Mom: It's a catalog. I want to order something from it, but I think my computer has a virus, so I don't want to place online orders.
Me: So. You mailed me the catalog?
Mom: Yes. I circled the item that I want. Can you go on the website and order it for me?
Me: ....
Me: ....
Me: You mailed me a catalog. Because you're afraid to shop online.
Mom: Yes.
Me: It's a mail order catalog.
Mom: Yes.
Me: Why didn't you simply place your order through the mail?
Mom: Oh. I didn't think of that. That would have made more sense, wouldn't it?
Me: Yes. Well, I'll keep an eye out for the envelope, and I'll place the order when I receive it.
Mom: Thanks. (pause) Hey, you know what? I could have called the toll-free number and phoned in my order! That would been a good idea!
Me: Yesss....

It's Pronounced "Satin"

Artwork by WSJ

Wocka Wocka Wocka

J: My computer doesn't have the software I need. D'ya think Dmitriy would mind if I hopped onto his for a couple minutes?
T: Nah. He's out today. But you'll have to talk with a funny accent if you want to sit in his chair.
J: Vhy? Vat is wronk vit my vay of talkink?
T: Perfect. You sound like the Count from Sesame Street. (pause) Hey, do you remember that primetime show with those muppets?
J: Yeess?
T: What was it called?
J: Um..The Muppet Show?
T: Oh. Yeah.

Don't Put Up With His Sheet

Guy #1: Hey, I found the perfect sheets for you!
Guy #2: (glances at the package of multi-colored fabric in abstract patterns and rolls his eyes)
Guy #1: Your boyfriend would love them.
Guy #2: (looks skeptical)
Guy #1: They're rainbow-colored. They're perfect. I mean, you people are all about those rainbow colors, right?
Guy #2:
Guy #1: Yeah, your boyfriend would love to sleep on these rainbow-colored sheets.
Guy #2: So. Is your bed a queen...just like you?

APWA Std. Dwg 220-2

H: What's a sewer chimney?
J: Huh?
H: I'm going through the bond estimate worksheet for Riverside County. There's an item for "chimney".
C: It's that thing that sticks up in the air -
J: - and it lets the hot air out -
C: - and Santa Clause slides down it!
H: Hee hee. Nooooo.
J: You said it's on the sewer estimate sheet?
H: Uh huh.
J: Well, then obviously it's for the ash-hole.